#61 Celebrity Suicide Notes - The Entire English Football Team

Heil John,

We know football's not your cup of tea, but it's not ours either... really! A 4- 1 trouncing, on the world's largest stage, against our historic rivals, there's no coming back from that! Still, it's nothing compared to what would happen if we were to return home. The English press and local meatheads would quite literally pull, rip, and arsehole fuck us to death. No, we're going to show our national pride and disappointment in another way: A group shower in Zyclon B. What could be more fitting than that: a football holocaust.

It will be a 23 man(ish) team suicide. Our minds are absolutely and unwaveringly set on that. However, we do have one major concern: Wayne “The missing link” Rooney, who we fear may survive (even benefit) from the gassing. Not through choice, of course, but rather due to hundreds of years of incestuous inbreeding, which has produced a creature quite immune to death. The Rooneys of this world don't grow old and die, they grow mushroom noses and go to prison for murder, rape and sodomy. We don't know what the hell that means, but we're grieving, so please spare us having to explain each and every fucking word. Some things just happen. Wayne Rooney “just happened”. Our 4-1 defeat “just happened”. A Wheelchair on a church “just happened”. When will this blood-thirsty shit munching nation wake up, smell the coffee and realize: not everything can be explained, predicted or understood! Give us a break, already... goddammit!

Johnny, by the time your sweet arse has read this note, England's national football squad will no longer exist. We'll just be a mountain of calves, butt cheeks, deflated balls and hard-ons. There may even be a couple of turds dropped in the mix – something quite fitting to the occasion, wouldn't you agree? Shit: stinking, sweating, steaming, semi-solid bum spill, a final tribute to The Kingdom.

John, please take care of yourself. Rest, convalesce, get your head and yourself together and then get the hell out of this fucking country. You deserve better than what it has to offer. We ALL love you John... you are leagues apart from any other man. You are all the beauty that there has ever been – even more than that. You are the rarest of rare pearls and it was an honour to even know you. Until soon My Sweet and Beautiful Man, we have loved you until the bitter end...

The English National Footie Team.

"Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family
God save The Queen"


  1. OMGFG
    This is just so strong.
    The Rooney section is just brilliant, like all the things we are not allowed to say out loud, do you think you missed an opportunity with John Terry though, /fuck ya best mates wife, white van man behind steering wheel. Did you know in hios luxary mock tudor home in his triple double garage he houses six count em, six transit vans, WTF! My only disappointment watching the game was that there were no German players who either looked like stormtroopers or concentration guards.

  2. The English Football Team should be pensioned off - they're old enough.

  3. Brilliant..
    I am a huge football fan and of course Man utd ... my Man utd mania has infected me so badly that I even think Wayne Rooney has a cute an innocent face...
    Yes I am a lost cause..
    But as for the Chelsea Rent Boy who let all the German goals through .. well, I am speechless !!
    I think John should be the new manager and lead them out dribbling in his wheelchair xx

  4. This is the most sensible requiem on the South African debacle I have read.

    As other commentators have intimated Mr. Chavski should suffer the same fate as St.Andrew but as for dear little Shrek, I'd do him.

  5. @ Nick: I'm gonna rewrite a part for this post. Instead of shower units they'll use terry's white vans as gas wagons... thats perfect! Thanx. I'm not up on all this football lark. X

    @ Micky: What the hell did they expect playing in orange? Pensionned off, nah, bury them alive! X

    @ Wildernesschic: Yeah wayne Rooney has a cute and innocent face if your King Kong's arse! That guy needs to be incased in steel and shot into space... I'm not sure if we'll even be safe then! X

    @ Kinkynik: What do you mean? John terry shoukld be turned into a golf course? No, he's too many hioles in him for that. Shrek, I'd do him too... round the cannister with a fucking cricket bat! Then I'd leg it. Violence just makes that guy even angrier! X


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