#70 Celebrity Suicide Notes - Stephen Hawking

Dear John

like you I also found myself wheelchair bound in my twenties, that was 4 decades ago. Then wheelchairs were bulky difficult things, none of these modern hi-tech gabs that are now on the market. But regardless of the chair, how sophisticated it is, the invalid is no less able than before. All technology enables one to say is “I need a shit” in time. I suppose that's something, but who wants 'some thing'... who wants 'some thing' in a wheelchair?

It's been a terrible long and frustrating life, john listen to me, wheelchairs have no future, the disabled are condemned and the sooner you realize that and get off this moving ballbag the better. There is no better hell than this, but there is an end.

Of course through my gradual deterioration, the knowing of what was to become of me, suicide has arisen before. My second year in Cambridge was one long suicidal thought, but I clung on hoping that the doctors were wrong, that science was wrong and that I was a fool for believing in it. Well, the doctors were wrong, and so was every expert from Queensland to Nevada. They had promised my then fiancee 3 years and then she'd be a widow – I'd be dead! Of course, knowing that she accepted my withered hand in marriage and signed herself away to thirty years of my miserable needs and requirements. I didn't want that either, but I needed a hand to wipe my arse, and she was good at that. That may seem selfish, but it is a selfish world and we all revolve in the same way. Was I ever in love? No. When one has glimpsed into this universe, seen it's mechanics, one can be sure love does not exist. It is a human sentiment geared at expanding the implosion, that is all. It was my parents 'booby prize' for giving birth to me.

Well you made me, now I'll kill ME. A real act of independence. It's not courageous, it's just an end. I am sick of responding to questions and writing books with small movements of my arse cheeks. I am sick of seeing my own lopsided face leering out from a million handicap international t-shirts and badges. So I'm going to join the stars.

For this special occasion I've hired an African escort/nurse/rentboy and tonight, before sending myself into orbit on a Chinese Rocket, I'm going to experience first hand some real 'black hole'. I've written extensively about them, what it's like to enter one, the crushing physical demands on the body, but it was all from imagination... an imagination too depraved to have a mouth to communicate it freely. Tonight I will finally discover if all black holes are identical beyond their mass, run the 'no hair theorum' through it's paces, put the 'four laws of black hole mechanics' to test. Tonight physics go back to basics and my brief history in time will conclude.

John, John, John... your name is almost enough to make me reconsider. If i thought I could 'have you' in this world, then I would. But my pain ends, where yours is about to begin. I truly hope you don't last forty years, that you are out of here before your first voice-box arrives. That is the last great wish I can relay to you.

Love is a myth, but revolution is not. John I will revolve around you forever. You put a wheelchair on a church, now I'm going to put one on the moon...

Your faithful damaged satellite, Stephen H. XxXxX


  1. u r sick & i'll personally be reporting u to blogger for infraction of policy. not only r u making fun out of those less fortunate but u r xplicitly describing gay sex with no content warning. B prepared to have this sick un-PC crap banned.

  2. Conan, that's quite a masculine name you have there and from the content of your comment I'd say you're also retarded and spastic. At least my 'less fortunates' have the good sense to blow themselves to kingdom come after eating out 'black holes'. You'd do well to do the same. Now, get outta here, jerk, before I set the fish on you!

    Tristram. X

  3. lol, fuck Conan.

    I thought this was a really good post, the black holes analogy I thought was hilarious, and the Stephen Hawking letter reminds of a great book I recently read.

  4. It's kind of weird that Conan takes such offence at this being un PC.
    Given that other pieces do something similar with fit, young things surely this is inclusive, what is insulting is when groups are excluded by silence. If this whole blog were similar to this piece fine I would support your comments but its not.

  5. 'wheelchairs have no future'

    I beg to differ. My nephew's wheelchair is so luxurious I'm thinking of getting one made for myself. The Nerdettes are in fact working on making it airborne - 'It will be like when the Daleks began to fly!'

    And life in a wheelchair can be glorious,with the right carer. My nephew often tells me that my treatment of him is akin to that of Bette Davis's treatment of Joan Crawford in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

    I am not familiar with the film but I know it was about two sisters - FAMILY Mr Hawking! - caring for each other. As God intended.

    You, as a God-denying scientist, have no claim to such comforts.

  6. @ In Search Of: Thnk you! X What book does it remind you of? X

    @ Nick: I think even if the entire blog was an idiotic rant against the handicap, it still shouldn't be shut down. Imagine what that would mean for writers like Cooper & Soto's if they were tryining to make their way online today. But i think Conan's problem isn't with the "lesser fortunate" but solely with the gay side of this blog. He used the handicap issue as a stepping stone to vent his homophobic views. More than wheelchairs and lopsided faces, it was 'black holes' he has a problem with. I wouldn't support his comment in any context. Als, and this is important, you must ask yourelf why Tristram writes these Notes? Why he chooses who he does? and why they say the things they do?The notes are filled with dark humour but they are not a break from the main journal and will become important at the end of the blog. X

    @ Abigail Winthrope: You akin to Bette Davis? Haha, that'd be about right. Only you probably believe that makeup is an invention of The Devil. Like dresses. Except for knitted ones. X

  7. Let's not forget that gifted singer and former drummer Robert Wyatt who fell trying to evade his wife at a party where he and some posh tart had sneaked into the bathroom to make intercourse. His account of his hospital stay in the CD bookle for his Rock Bottom album is actually quite funny.

  8. This clique is haunted by infidelity. Wyatt had his lifechanging injury on June 1st 1973. A year later his ex bandmate and bon vivant Kevin Ayers scheduled what's known as the ACNE Concert, ACNE being Ayers, John Cale, Nico and glam king Brian Eno. Ayers took it into his mind that he wanted to screw Rise' Cale, John's wife. He caught them in the filthy act. Cale's song Guts was inspired by this incident.
    I mean Jesus Christ can't these people keep it in their pants?? Apparently not.


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