#177b

Nurse Nutting cares. That's a fact. She cares so much she upped my medication and more or less said I was a suicide bomb with a lit fuse. Looking out the window at the falling snow she asked what was going on in my life. I stared at the snow too, watched as it pillowed down in a rocking motion. I couldn't tell her. If I did her care would make a drastic U-turn and I would be chucked to the dogs. So I said I didn't know, that it felt like my leg or something was missing. She said: “You mean like you've lost something?” I said: “No. It's more like it's been taken from me.”

“Hmm. Well many people feel like that, like the world has somehow done them a disservice... cheated them out of something they were never prepared to lose. You're not alone...”

“Yes I am.” I butted in “I am alone, everyman is. That's how every life concludes. You see, and I've thought a lot about this, we spend our lives planning for death – making friends, marrying, being civil etc, – so as when our time comes we will not have to face it alone. But the fact is every man will die alone, it's our fate. In the hospital bed, or laying flapping on the kitchen floor, the life draining out of you, it's a dire lonely place. Even if ones loved ones, hundreds of them are all there, a man will never be as lonely or out on a limb as the moment he dies. I know, I've seen it, actually seen death enter the body and the fear and loneliness which that brings about. A man, trying to pull at the tufts of a carpet for something to hold onto, the fear a dazed look in his eyes as he knows he will leave the world and no-one can help or comfort him. That's our fate. That's what it all leads to. But of course you know that, you're a nurse... and you care. The only problem is that when your care is really needed it is never attainable – and that's your fate. You may as well be a bastard murderer, towering over your patient with a plant pot or hammer or something, ready to bash the final bit of life outta him. Now, that's real care... that's what I think.”

“That may all be true Mr Spencer, but to focus in on that, to have that as the answer to everything you'll ever do is maybe a part of why you're here now, in the state you're in??? Do you know why you're here... in here with me and not Dr Dennis? Why would you think that is?”

“Oh, I don't know. How would I know,” I shrugged, “though I suppose it's to squeeze something out of me, extract a little more of the small amount of Self I have left. It's always like that. Whenever humans conspire together against another it's always to pull something outta them. It's kinda like Little Dick Tracy and his Goons. Little Dick Tracy all eyes, smile and “Cigarette?” while his Goons are growling behind him, grinding their clenched fists into sweaty palms. I suppose you're Little Dick Tracy and Dr Dennis is a goon. I don't know. Is that it?”

The nurse kind of screwed her lips up and looked at me through a slight squint. Nothing mean or evil, more her professional head deliberating if it was worth her while persevering with me or if I was just another hopeless case who had drifted out beyond arms reach. She must have decided I was the latter, as she turned, nodded knowingly at the snow and then was gone.

7 comments:

  1. Anyone who ups the meds is a friend.. whether she really cares ... well only time can tell, and only you know if you will ever recover..or escape xx

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  2. It seems that there are eyes in the dark looking after you.

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  3. poor tristy! i wish i could give you a big hug! oxoxoxo

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  4. Nurses care, but they do not protect! Look for the nearest exit.

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  5. @ Stacy: you get priviledge of first reply! Oh I need a hug as long as your thigh can support the contact from my abhorrently filthy Y-fronts. X

    @ Ruth: Oh well, I think Nurse Nutting has passed and gone now. Shouldn't think we'll be seeing her again. yes, upping the meds on a suicidal depressive isn't bad professional judgement... you're right. LOL. X

    @ Lee Deville: Well there's eyes in the dark but whether they're looking after me or at me is another thing. Hope I don't find Little Dick Tracy hiding in my closet. X

    @ Jim: Exit found and it was an emotional one: the same door I crashed John into all those weeks ago. There's memories everywhere. X

    @ Simon: If only there was an emergency exit to life... some kind of backstairs deal when the flames get too hot. X

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  6. so charming! even in your abhorrently filthy y-fronts!

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