That was the sound that Little Dick Tracy's hands made as they crashed to a close in front of my face. “Come on lads” he hurled turning away from me, “If you're finished, grab your evidence bags and lets get going. This place fucking reeks!”

I heard a flurry of activity, rustling and pieces of furniture being pushed back into place. “Anything?” asked Little Dick to one of the unnamed detectives. The detective pulled a fish face and shook his head. “Not really... a few bits and pieces, but I don't thi..” Little Dick shut him up. I sat staring at the floor pretending I hadn't heard.

“OK, Spencer, you need to sign this... Thank you. And this... Ok. And finally this.

And now we'll be on our way... for the moment.”

I stood up feeling like I had no kneecaps. I was bursting for a piss and a shit and a vomit and a complete and utter breakdown in the bathroom. I trailed behind, following six black shadows to the door. As they left light once more entered and I saw the two huge Goons restraining someone. It was Brian, trying to fight his way free, his face all contorted in rage and hate. When he saw me he made a renewed effort to break free before screaming: “You fucking murdering bastard!!!! I know it was you! We all fucking know what's happened to John... but where is he? What have you done with the rest of his body!”

I looked around at the detectives. They had all stopped and were now looking in at me like Brian had voiced their joint opinion. Bartholemew was there also, and Marlowe, and the Garbo tranny who was looking at me with wide devouring eyes like I was his star actor who he had fallen wildly in love with.

“Murder, hey Brian?” I screamed. “Have you told the police about yours and Johns violent sexual interludes? The cockrings? Ball weights? Chains? Batons? Steel wool? Bricks? High heeled shoes? Paper clips and drawing pins!? How you almost killed me once? The two of you BUT especually you; tied me up and beat me to within an inch of death before using me as a toilet and a cum bucket! Maybe you should tell the world about that? How you have social problems because your penis is the size of a kids little toe!” I was getting ridiculous but it was those words which came out and I couldn't say anything else at the time. Brian made one last effort at breaking clear and then began looking around panicked, like he didn't want to miss something.

“The book! Did you get the book? The Dangerous Dandy by Barbara Cartland? The one with the murder plans inside!” he asked to no-one and everyone.

To Brian's right a tall, sober looking detective raised his hand and in it was a clear plastic bag, sealed, and in that was The Book.

I felt like a swaying drunk – as if none of this was real at all. And then I was back, my heart pounding as if it was in my face and head. I stood there looking at Brian. In his face I recognized the same pain and sadness which was manifest in my own. From way up high a single fleck of snow floated down and landed coolly on my top eyelash. It melted and dripped, running down my cheek before curling into my mouth.


  1. As a member of the Duck Tape Club, you might be able to quiet Brian by referencing the Sports&Entertainment section of solutions.

    ps. the real me

  2. Jim: I've joined!!! (seriously!) Tristram Spencer now has a duck profile and can post all about his Ducktivities! Of course my avatar is the Flamongo Pink one. If only you had have told me about this a few months ago. I may have taken that as my hobby, not gardening and this whole mess would never have happened.

    That's the real you? I love the beard... I don't knwo why, I just always have. X

  3. Oh what a nightmare... yes blame that mincing posty with the pea wee penis ..Oh you poor darling xx

  4. I thought Verity had the book.

    I can’t remember if the ‘murder plans’ were written on the book pages or on separate paper. In which case what’s in the plastic bag could just be the book.

    However a Barbara Cartland book on its own can be a very dangerous thing.

    I’ve seen violent altercations break out at Cartland Royal Appreciation Parties over opposing interpretations of texts or what a particular knight or Dandy would look like in real life.

    I warned them: Cartland + too much champagne and cake = a blue rinse shade of Trouble.

    I saw it all happen before with lovely Liberace before his untimely death.


  5. Ruby: Hi and welcome. I received your mail and will reply a little later. X

    Abigail: no, verity pushed it into Tristrams chest last week. gace it back to him and let him know whe had seen the sketches and they were a little more damning than what Tristy had let on. So the book was left with Tristram. I didn't say that, but it was! lol



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