The doors came off last night... all of them except the one leading out. As all I have is a claw hammer I had to hook the end in behind the hinges and wrench them off. With the place being pretty much standard council crap it wasn't too difficult. In two rooms the frame even split and pulled right off with the door. Other than smash a large hole through the plaster in the hallway I didn't do much else for a first try. Little things kept throwing me off... throwing me back to happier times and making the destruction a heartbreakingly sad affair.

It was all tiny things that would catch my mind. Moderate moderations I had made for John's arrival in the chair, or things we had decided on together which would make his life easier in and around the house. Little things like handles here and there, where John could pull himself up out his chair and flop into other places. Or the hook above the toilet where we were going to fix a mechanical lifter so as he could be raised up and unload himself without any help. Most these things were never finished (used even less). When it became clear that John's paralysis was just a put on I lost heart and never bothered with the expense or the inconvenience of completing them. Still, they are there and have little hopes and memories attached to each one.

When I had finished I went into the bedroom and sat looking at Jaws. I think I was crying but it was dark so I'm not sure. Jaws seemed scared, as if the future was only as long as the width of his bowl. Maybe that's why he didn't move? Just hung in the same spot trying to linger out his existence until he floated to the end naturally. Silly fish! Natural deaths are the worst. They are always the most drawn out and painful. You watch it over years and change and sadden with it. No, when I go I want it to be a big bright wallop then lights out. Just like that, with not a seconds warning. Not time to crap your pants or say goodbye. Though I'm sure life will not even cut me that slack.

In two days it is Christmas. The world has never been so populated yet I am so hopelessly alone.


  1. 'It was all tiny things that would catch my mind. Moderate moderations I had made for John's arrival in the chair'.

    'Moderate moderations'



    'As all I have is...' -

    That is such a complex linguistic claus.

    Sometimes Thick Blue Glasses SPEAKS like that.

    Another wavering TONGUE

    That DEMANDS excision.

  2. Mrs Winthrope: Moderate moderations I actually deliverated over, sounding it out and wondering if it was too much (how wild the life of a writer is!). Finally I decided like you it was a nice marriage and came over really well.

    'All I have is a Flamingo Flower'... A very complex linguistic phrase indeed. By the way, what ever happened to the remains of that plant? One of those small things I forgot all about. X

  3. My (vomiting) medium tells me that Mercury is in reverse and thus

    my last post was misunderstood...

    I'm loving it

  4. 2nd time around (after a huge prompt) i've spotted your genius... haha. It's very clever and subtle.

    because I make so many typos myself I automatically read through others and sometimes add letters where they were never intended. X

  5. Tristram.. As grateful for the giggle that I am ... Thank god Mac has not developed smelly vision as I could almost taste that :0
    I am with you .. I do not want a lingering death, but if I also identify with Jaws.. I have the same memory span so a brief spin around the bowl and I would think I had been out for the day...easily pleased xx

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  7. No, I think it's me. I was referring to:

    'That is such a complex linguistic claus.'

    Which I missed at first, reading it with an 'e' added to claus.

    But then I realized:

    a) Santa Claus
    b) Claus/Claws as that phrase went on to say "all I have is a CLAW hammer"

    But now I'm just completely confused! X

  8. Ruby: yeah it was horrible that thing and I could almost smell it too. I think it was because it even looked like it had 'bottom slime' on it. Urgghhhh! X

  9. What the fuk

    I think Babs is in town

    That was weird...





    I'm being nice.

    I'm saving myself.

  10. destroy the place. burn it to the ground.



Tristram's Birthday: Sunday 3rd October

Tristram's Birthday: Sunday 3rd October
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