It rained this afternoon. I sat in the green chair with my back to the window listening to each drop. Drop... drop... drop... drop... and it just went on like that. At one point I thought about getting up and going down to the shops but it finally seemed too much effort. There is nothing worse than counting flies in wet clothes. At 16.06 a car sloshed by. I tried to imagine who could have been in it. I think a lot of things like that. My mind is always very active, but there is some chemical missing that translates those thoughts into actions. Once I sat for three days looking at the fridge. I tried to imagine everything that was in it and what that looked like from the inside. Then I started playing games where I’d like move things around mentally and completely disturb the arrangement. Then I wondered why is a fridge 8 – 10 degrees in the vegetable container and what would be the worst thing I could put there. At one stage I even thought about the freezer and what the ice cubes did when the lights were out. How the frost must so ever so slowly form crystal layers.
John has been gone 4 days now.... 4 miserable days and I doubt he will ever return. He said that I was a “grey patch in his life”, that he was tired of sitting there watching me watching things and sleeping. He said I would have made a “good stone”. Those were his exact words.