#21 Celebrity Suicide Notes - Julia Roberts

Dear John,

What was once a world of love and light has now morphed into something beyond description. All I can say for certain is that it is black. Even darker. I cannot and do not want to go on any more.

My career and beauty is failing me and I will not be one of these celebrities that waltz around town horrendously sagging and falling to pieces. I've tried surgery but all that seems to do is pause one's features in time, whilst death seeps out through the pores.

It's very hard to believe that just under 10 years ago I was lifting up an Academy Award and now I have to beg and suck to get a minor cameo as a post-menopausal grandmother. I will not sink to those lengths. I will not sink to my knees... not anymore. Not at my age.

I regret all my marriages, even my current one. When the doors are closed Daniel is an absolute monster; possessed with jealousy and rage. It really is like “Sleeping with the Enemy”! The ONLY man I do not regret is YOU. John, my friend unto the grave.

With my drinking now at a stupendous level and with drunken sex-tapes soon to surface I can only escape in a more permanent way. I am taking the emergency exit outta here. haha.

Although I do not remember any of my pregnancies, I have come to cherish my three boys. If I miss anything I will miss them (and you of course.)

John, maybe if the world was more like you I would have struggled on until the end. But it is not. Unfortunately, the world is a callous, sick and plastic place. Behind the glitz is nothing but shit.

I am not sad, or ill, or depressed. I am not even particularly suicidal. I just want to be dead. That's all. It's no more serious than that.

As with everything I have ever done in my life, I will carry this out with the upmost professionalism. I WILL get the part! (laugh)

Please ensure I do not have an open coffin.

I want to be cremated.

Kiss the boys goodbye & take good care of yourself.

John I Love You.

Julia R.
XXX

12 comments:

  1. Fucking hilarious!!!! I have blog envy now.

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  2. It just gets better and better. Thanks so much.
    btw can you ask your Mum to please stop stealing my milk and leaving empty jellied eels cartons in their place, its torture and hell...
    Nick

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  3. DEAR FRIEND,

    I AM MAKING THIS CONTACT BASED ON MY PRESUMED RELIANCE, AFTER GOING THROUGH A BRIEF PROFILE OF YOUR COMPANY.
    I AM PRINCESS AGIPOKI FROM WEST-AFRICA (A GHANAIAN). I AM A CUSTOMS SUPERINTENDENT OFFICER ATTACHE TO THE GHANA PORTS AND HARBOURS AUTHORITY. TEMA, AND I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ESTABLISH THIS SEX-RELATIONSHIP
    WITH YOU IN BENEVOLENT SPIRIT AS TO ENHANCE IMMEDIATE BLOW-JOBS TO A PENIS IN YOUR HAND.


    IT WAS MORE LIKE A DREAM WHEN TWO OF MY COLLEAGUES I INTERCEPTED TWO (2) GIGANTIC TRUNK BOXES AT OUR SEA PORT IN THE EARLY HOURS OF 2ND APRIL, 2012 ON TRANSIT TO CAIRO, SCOTLAND. SUBSEQUENTLY, THE OWNERS WHOM ACCORDING TO OUR INVESTIGATIONS WERE ARABIANS FROM THE MARS REGION (SOME OF THE SADAM HUSSAIN'S
    ENTOURRAGE) WITHDREW FROM THE OPERATION SINCE THEY OBVIOUSELY STAND NO CHANCE OF DEFENDING THE SOURCE OF THE CONTENT OF THESE BOXES.

    ALSO, AS A MATTER OF FUCK THAT THIS SAME PEOPLE ARE ACCORDING TO OUR INVESTIGATION FACING CHARGES OF LOOTS AND HUMAN-LEFT ABUSES IN IRAQ.

    AFETR DUE INVESTIGATIONS AND CLEARIFICATIONS, WE HAVE DECIDED TO OWN THESE BOXES WHICH'S CONTENT I CANNOT DISCLOSE NOW FOR SECURITY REASONS, TO OURSELVES. SINCE WE HAVE EARLIER DECIDED NOT TO OFFCIALLY
    ANNOUNCE THIS INTERCEPTION FOR ABVIOUS REASON.

    WE URGENTLY NEED AN INTERNATIONAL CUNT AS TO ENABLE US
    TRANSFER THESE BOXES AND THEIR EMPTY CONTENTS ABROAD. MEANWHILE, I AM ONLY SENDING THIS PROPOSAL TO ASCERTAIN YOUR INTREST AND ONCE POSITIVE RESPONCE IS RECIEVED FROM YOU, ASSURING ME OF YOUR UTMOST COOPERATION,
    SINCERITY AND CONFIDENTIALITY, I WILL PROCEED TO EMPTY YOUR BANK ACOUNT.

    TO CARRY OUT THIS RISK FREE TRANSACTION WITHOUT
    FURTHER DELAY.Please you can also reach me on this invisible email:and the below bingo number.

    Thank You

    Princess Agipoki

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  4. That was sadder than the time Julia was forbidden to shop at that store on Rodeo Drive because the shopgirls knew she was a fallen woman. I'm crying right now as I think about how Richard Gere had to swoop in with credit cards to save her dignity. God Bless America!

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  5. Hey
    OMG Tristram you are really the first person to make me go into a fit of laughter for over a week now and I have missed laughing so much, so thanks, the cause...my introduction to Princess Agipoki, I love her, where can I buy a copy of her book (thats what made me laugh so much.
    Thank you so much Tristram you are indeed a tonic dear.
    Nick XXXXX

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  6. @ Asylum Dolly: Glad you enjoyed and thanx for following. X

    @ Nick x 2: Yeah, Mum's a bit of a nightmare. You've usually got to mop up if sh stands in any one plce for longer than 32 seconds. Princess Agipoki, lol. I enjoyed writing him. So pleased you're laughing! X

    @ Princess Agipoki: Steve, we've been through this before. It all ended in a blow job... does this mean you're up for it again? X

    @ Jason: LOL Thanx. Oh, tristram will be in the kitcen lter this week. Cooking for Verity. Don't miss that. X

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  7. Anonymous... you got lot in there, come out! X

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  8. Oi! Give that back!

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  9. "I am not sad, or ill, or depressed. I am not even particularly suicidal. I just want to be dead. That's all."

    Dude, this is exactly what my best friend B. wrote me before he vanished completely. I don't know if it's that funny, cause some people really feel this way.Sorry if i ruined this.

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  10. asexual,

    You didn't ruin anything and it's not supposed to be funny. What people may laugh at is a guy sitting at home writing suicide notes from celebrities to his AWOL lover. It's tragic and sad but kinda funny. People also do that, but we must dsconnect ourselves from the world at some point. If not we'd never be able to express or write about anything.

    Also there is a reason why I can write what your friend did without ever having seen his letter. It's not luck. It's because I understand these thoughts, I understand what it's like to be at the very edge. I may have even been there myself.

    The last thing I must also say is that there is nothing wrong with humour to express very serious things in this life. Some of the most brilliant observations and lines from our greatst writers came from place of humour. It's often the only way to be able to look at this world and actually accept it

    Hope that answers you comment & hope to see you soon, Tristram. X

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