What was once a world of love and light has now morphed into something beyond description. All I can say for certain is that it is black. Even darker. I cannot and do not want to go on any more.
My career and beauty is failing me and I will not be one of these celebrities that waltz around town horrendously sagging and falling to pieces. I've tried surgery but all that seems to do is pause one's features in time, whilst death seeps out through the pores.
It's very hard to believe that just under 10 years ago I was lifting up an Academy Award and now I have to beg and suck to get a minor cameo as a post-menopausal grandmother. I will not sink to those lengths. I will not sink to my knees... not anymore. Not at my age.
I regret all my marriages, even my current one. When the doors are closed Daniel is an absolute monster; possessed with jealousy and rage. It really is like “Sleeping with the Enemy”! The ONLY man I do not regret is YOU. John, my friend unto the grave.
With my drinking now at a stupendous level and with drunken sex-tapes soon to surface I can only escape in a more permanent way. I am taking the emergency exit outta here. haha.
Although I do not remember any of my pregnancies, I have come to cherish my three boys. If I miss anything I will miss them (and you of course.)
John, maybe if the world was more like you I would have struggled on until the end. But it is not. Unfortunately, the world is a callous, sick and plastic place. Behind the glitz is nothing but shit.
I am not sad, or ill, or depressed. I am not even particularly suicidal. I just want to be dead. That's all. It's no more serious than that.
As with everything I have ever done in my life, I will carry this out with the upmost professionalism. I WILL get the part! (laugh)
Please ensure I do not have an open coffin.
I want to be cremated.
Kiss the boys goodbye & take good care of yourself.
John I Love You.