#39 Celebrity Suicide Notes - Simon Cowell

Dear John,

“I don't mean to be rude, but...”

Well there is no “but”, not this time. My sick cynical outbursts have no more retards left to abuse and so I do the decent honest thing and turn my failings in on myself. Well, that was always the truth of it anyway. Each time I had a 38 year old crooning nobody goofing away in front of me, I really just saw myself. Any one of those talentless goons could have been me... All of them were.

I'm just a foot with a mouth in it! Yeah that works. Kicking the dreams outta tramps, that's my business. The 33rd worst Briton? Come on!!! 10th most terrifying TV celebrity? Fuck you! I take it up the arse and spit it out my mouth. F**k YOU, yeah F**K YOU! Tristram Spencer you're just a talentless 2inch hard-on!

Well, I'm done and I'm alone (almost) ...

The other three judges chairs are empty. Minogue is on the bog, Walsh is with her (something to do with an apology???). Cole is having something done with her lips and Osborne, Queen Bitch Hellfire Osborne... well, I'm not even going there. The last thing I need is the Women's Lib Lesbo Cancer Brigade damning me in the obituary notice. No, for this one time I'll keep my mouth shut (metaphorically of course!) My mouth has to be open for the shotgun... I'm gonna fire my brains all over the cheap suited executives behind.

John, it's hot under the studio lights... real hot like you'll never imagine. But I'm gonna stand for this one last song, the pêrformance of my life...

I Dreamed A Dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

ohn, I'll see you downstairs... don't forget to bring the lube.

© Copyright of Simon Cowell 2010
© Suicide note written by and copyright of Susan Boyle


  1. Why don't you answer my comments? Everyone else but mine? I lost it for a while, it was that Cooper book and the situation. Flipped a switch. My 28 days 'section' are up on the 15th June. I can be released then. I've nowhere to go. My home is with you.

    Please. don't. ignore. this. comment. P.l.e.a.s.e!!!


  2. Love it, thank you! especially the cipyright bit.


    PS.Ignoring John is the best tactic, always works on selfish dicks like him. xx

  3. haha wow, go Simon! no lube this time

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Hey, Hey enough, Simon's a total sweetheart and I won't hear a word said against him, you are in dire danger of losing a fan.
    I met him once when I was working at asda, I was stacking shelves and singing away to myself and he came up to me and said 'wow, you could go all the way'
    so I fucked him behind the bins on my break.

  6. John,

    i'm going to jamaica and maybe, MAYBE, we'll speak when I return. I would love you back, that's what all this is about, but its no longer that easy. How will you ever forget the past? how will you get over that? And your last sentence worries me greatly. Whats with all the full stops?

  7. @ Helena: Oh I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had to get the lowdown on Mr Cowell from my Mother. She's a huge fan. X

    @ Nick: Mother liked Mr Cowell until the homo revelations, now she says something about "watching him doesn't make me wet anymore!" I think that's some kinda reference to her plumbing problems???? X


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