#47 Celebrity Suicide Notes -

Dear John,

There are NO suicidal celebrities this week, not even Britney Spears. The closest we can get is Morrissey, but apparently he's always been like that.

No, for some bizarre reason the A-list, B-list and EVEN the C list stars are ALL ecstatically happy and want to live. Leading this "I want to Live" campaign is no other than US presidant Barack Obama. He has even quit smoking in order to buy himself an extra 5 or 10 minutes smile time.

Hollywood Star paper/magazine says: "it's quite incredible!" and "we've never seen anything like it... everyone just seems diabolically cheerful and full of zest!"

One anonymous commentator, from a toilet somewhere in Southeast London, claimed to know the secret of the smiling stars. “John's coming home!” he beamed “In just under 24hrs My Love is coming home. Oh, I want to live forever!”


  1. I absolutely disagree with this. You're obviously not reading the right kind of press, take a look at this week's National Enquirer and you'll find some-one on the brink. (A tip, I've heard Lady Gag-Gag could be next.)


  2. Helena, I've been gagging on something but I'm no lady.

    Don't forget John has been closeted in a fairly clean environment and you by your own admission are a bit whiffy.

    So to avoid him throwing up over you, I'd recommend a good scrub, a shave, a shit and a shampoo.

    Good luck.

  3. Suicide is a mortal sin.

    Quite rightly too.

    There should be no short cuts to Heaven.

    Only short cuts to hell.

  4. @ Helena: give it a week and we'll be spoilt for choice. Today th world is just happy that John is coming home. X

    @ Kinkynik: No, John wouldn't vomit over Helena. She's one of the patrons of this blog... supporting us all over Twitterland. Then again, he's not too happy about her pro-Tristram stance. You've got me thinking now! X

    @ Abigail: John is a short cut to heaven. You get in through the back door. Over the next few weeksI'm gonna be popping in and out like no-mans business. X


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