In Portland Oregon it was 4.31am. The Flaming Chef was sleeping off a Chicken Dumpling stew and mozzarella salad. It was one of those night-time emergency calls that we all have to make at some time or other in our lives. Of course, it wasn't night-time here, but it could have been. The curtains were drawn on the noon sun and once again I was under a mountain of blankets with the phone.

“Hello Chef, it's me Tristram Spencer and my world is a shit one!” I had to stop and compose myself at that point, my bottom lip was wavering at 50hertz per minute and if I'd have gone on I would have risked electrocution on my own tears. As I pulled myself together I listened down the line to 7,000 miles of static. Someone, somewhere was out there, connected to me and listening... actually listening. Surrounded by my own hot air I exhaled, a full 7 minute monologue in B flat minor.

It was a sad, hysterical, raving call; one long sentence with no punctuation. That I was still alive come the finale says I must have stopped for air at some time, but I really don't recall. Imagine sitting down on the toilet and your whole rotten insides spilling out from your arse: intestines-stomach-kidney-liver-lungs-heart, all connected together like a long string of sausages. Well that's what it was like, a complete cleansing of the system. When I was finished The Flaming Chef didn't react, not a word. He just ever so quietly put his receiver down and all that was left was the sound of the sea.

Sometimes people don't need to say anything. Sometimes just their ear and time is enough. Without knowing it this mysterious chef from somewhere across the ocean had helped me make the most important decision of my life. Throwing off the covers and flattening down my hair I dialled The Maudsley and asked to speak with John.

And that's how it happened... how John is coming home. There was no drama, no huge internal struggle, no pros and cons. We spoke as if nothing had happened and quite astonishingly the only tears came from him. I really do think it's going to be quite an unforgettable summer.


  1. Oh Trist I'm so SOOOoooo happy.
    had an inkling this may happen.
    John wanted me to ask you over our dinner-that-never-was if you'd take him back, but it was unfair of him.
    Instead i drunk three bottles of wine and crashed the fucking car! there, now you know. I'm not in cahoots with the devil! :)
    We'll speak. I'll phone. maybe I can drive you to the hospital on tuesday? (no wine of course)

    Love V. XOXO

  2. will it be the same as before? wild love making till all hours of the day/night, or hiding the knives and liquid bug poisons? hmmmm????


  3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVc0EZl3AfU

  4. 'I really do think it's going to be quite an unforgettable summer'.

    As my good friend Dame Edna Everidge would say:

    Shouldn't laugh should we?

    What's funny is that the Nerdettes don't know why my nephew and I are relishing the upcoming tragi-comedy. But then they are borderline autistic and woudn't recognize a human emotion unless it was an 'app'on their little ipads.

  5. I hope you can keep us in the loop long after you are reunited with John.

  6. For the past month and a half or so, I haven't been keeping up with my followings...

    I was being very self-absorbed and what not, getting caught up in my own thoughts.

    Also, I'm a procrastinator, and seeing your blog posts fill up my blog-following-list, well... reading them just became a daunting task.

    I HAVE RETURNED. And I've spent my entire evening reading every post I've missed. I love this blog, and I can't wait to hear what happens next between you and John.

  7. @ Jim: haha... who knows? The future is an unclear one. X

    @ Lena: You're back! X (and you've brought Jim wiv ya!) Thanks for the vid, like everyone else I love MP. X

    @ Mrs Winthrope: tragi-comedy??? it's just gonna be ice-cream and slush puppies... even the Nerdettes could manage that. Anything they don't have to chew and swallow. X

    @ Sandra: yes, it'll keep going until I'm sure John is back for good. X

    @ Chicken: Oh, read it in your own time. No apology needed. But thank you so much for catching up! X

    @ Verity: A lift sounds good. We would possibly get arrested on "public indecency" charges if we had to go by bus. X


Waiting for John. Citrus Pink Blogger Theme Design By LawnyDesignz Powered by Blogger